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Saturday, May 28, 2005

Caesar's bath meme

Courtesy of Dadahead: "List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but which you can't really understand the fuss over."

Mammals. They just smell bad. It doesn't matter how often you bathe them, mammals just have an inherent stench. They are infested with germs and dirt. They shed hair continuously, which has an inexorable attraction to my toothbrush, my clothes and anything else that I'd like to keep sacred and clean. Plus, dogs slobber on everything. Dis-gust-ing.

Birds make much better pets. They don't stink or drool, they molt all at once and the feathers respect the sanctity of my person and my hygienic paraphernalia. Yes, they can get ornery. But all animals have bad moods; at least birds are cute when they are pissy. Seriously, if you had to get bitten by one of these bloodsuckers, which one would you choose?

I choose door #1

Tofu. The worst excuse for a healthy alternative and the best excuse to order pepperoni pizza instead. It's supposed to be a 'soy' product, but my analysis shows that it is composed of 4 parts rubber band, 5 parts marshmallow and a dash of regurgitated circus peanut. "But you can make it taste like anything." Yes the Jack-of-all-substitutes; I think Tofu suffers from a real identity crisis coupled with some severe abandonment issues. Tofu needs a serious personality make-over.

TV. I've tried it and it's not for me. There are some exceptions of course. I've been known to indulge in some Daily Show and Adult Swim when I get the opportunity. Overall it's a huge waste of airtime, electricity and brain cells. I will forfeit my participation in the lunch discussions if necessary, but I have no use for Friends. Don't get me wrong. I love film, especially Film Noir. It's the TV stuff that I can't stand.

Beer. Liquor-yes. Wine-absolutely. Beer-hell no. I can't imagine that anyone tried beer for the first time and said, "saaaay...this is truly a tasty beverage." It isn't because I just haven't tried the right brands. I understand that some are better than others. To me, all beers are as appetizing as rotten eggs or stomach bile. Yet, it is always the central feature of every lunch, dinner and get-together. I just don't get it.

Starbucks. It is convenient for sure. With one or two on every block, there is always a backup plan if I begin to have caffeine-withdrawal-induced headaches. It is not my first choice, or even my second. I will only drink starbucks if I am desperate. Perhaps if they offered a bean that wasn't 'burnt-roasted' 'til it turned to charcoal, it might be worth the money.

Catch the next exciting episode of Caesar's bath from Ryan of The Liberal Avenger and John H. Hinderaker .